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Not only is it the least romantic language of them all (“I love you” in German sounds more like “I will hit you with shovel”) but it sounds great in a deep voice (think Rammstein) and almost everything sounds vaguely sexual (think Rammstein), particularly if you say it with a slight smile.

It is the only language to capitalise every noun, which not only wears out Shift keys faster but is deliciously ironic given German people’s reputation for efficiency.

It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules and sadistic pleasure in witnessing violence.

In other words, it is war minus the shooting.”“In order to excel, you must be completely dedicated to your chosen sport.

Mark Twain even wrote of his experience with the German language “surely there is not another language that is so slipshod and systemless, and so slippery and elusive to the grasp.

All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?

A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it. After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion? ~ Robert Reinhold ~ At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse way! Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

Now whenever I go to visit his company we make a point of going out for “garbage kebabs”.) A Botschafter is not somebody who has sex with automatons. And if your boyfriend’s name is not Richard that might be a hard one to explain to your parents.

Said only to an enemy or a very easygoing friend, it means “Your mother suckles pigs” and is thus the most brutal insult known to mankind.

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